


Do Not Weep

by perfect-porcelain (kathleenhasfeelsandwords)



Category: One Direction
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 23:32:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathleenhasfeelsandwords/pseuds/perfect-porcelain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>based off the poem "Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Weep

**Author's Note:**

> Um ahaha yeah this is really sad. Sorry bout that. Anything in italic is lines from the poem

How could he leave him? He could he even survive without him? 

It was a beautiful day though. Fitting for him.

Fitting for a funeral. 

He watched in silence as the casket was lowered six feet into the ground. Others around him were weeping and sobbing but he? Well he just stayed silent through it all. 

It was fitting that way.

Because Liam wasn’t really in that casket. He was elsewhere. He was everywhere.

He pulled out the slip of paper in his pocket, the one Liam had stuffed into his hand the last time they met. The last time he saw the light in Liam’s eyes and the flush on his tanned skin.

He stared down at the words on the page and a soft smile came to him.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep_

_I am not there. I do not sleep._

It was true though. Liam never seemed to be able to sleep, at least not without him by his side.

He smiled fondly at the memory of the time on one of their long tours where Liam had a major case of insomnia and he had convinced him to stay up with him the entire night. They had talked about nothing and everything at the same time. Hopes, fears, ambitions. Nothing was left unturned. That night was the first time he felt something for Liam. The stirring in his chest that he had only gotten with a few people before. 

And then as Liam fell asleep on his chest finally at somewhere around 5 in the morning he stroked the boy’s hair, just staring at him and his beautiful face. 

From then on they always roomed together, or Liam would somehow sneak into his bunk on the bus, at first complaining that he couldn’t focus but after a while there was no need for excuses. He would gladly open his arms to the boy and they would fall asleep entangled in each other’s legs, heads close together, wrapped in each other’s arms.

Soon even he couldn’t sleep without Liam within touching distance. He was like his own personal sleeping pill and he loved it.

He wondered if Liam was having trouble sleeping now without him.

_I am the thousand winds that blow._

_I am the diamond glints on snow._

Even nearing death, he had still been amazed at just how beautiful Liam was. With cancer it was a slow process, one that aged a perfectly healthy person tremendously over time. It wasn’t easy knowing that Liam was going to die. Well they all were going to die but he hadn’t expected him so soon. 

So soon after they had gotten together.

It was a gradual thing really. More lingering touches, glances that were caught and held. They had been like little schoolgirls and he had loved it. He loved falling in love with Liam. It wasn’t a giant explosion but more like a slow, simmering flame like the kind you huddle around on a cold day. Until one day it was just an unspoken agreement that they were together. Together and happy of course. 

He had been secretly afraid that something would come inbetween them because at that point he hadn’t been sure if he could survive without his cuddle buddy, or his storm protector, or even his makeshift pillow.

He just never expected a silent demon that crept in the night.

They had had many years though. Long after One Direction had disbanded and when it was just them. He still had those polaroids hanging on their wall from all the different places they had traveled to.

Liam grinning as he attempted to eat the largest hamburger in the world (he failed).

He and Liam on the ski lift in Purgatory in Colorado with the sun glinting in the back of the picture which had created the loveliest rays of light on both of their faces. 

His favorite though, was them kissing on the beach at Fiji with the most beautiful sunset they both had ever seen. 

He knew he would never take those pictures down even as he watched the people around him loiter in all black.

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._

_I am the gentle autumn rain._

He wondered sometimes if Liam knew he was going to die young. Did he know the disease that was growing inside him as they sat together drinking tea and reading out loud to each other as the light tapping of raindrops sounded on the window?

He hoped not.

He hoped Liam wasn’t scared at all. He wasn’t sure if he could take that, knowing that the love of his life was hiding his fear deep down inside. 

They had known something was wrong with Liam kept getting pains in his side. It wasn’t regular or anything, just random little bursts of pain that he would brush off. 

Until he couldn’t.

Colon cancer they had said.

He didn’t really remember anything other than Liam nodding calmly but the grip on his hand tightened roughly. 

Liam’s grip tightened even more when they said it was probably.

He sighed at that thought. He’d like to say that he stayed strong for Liam but that would be a lie. He didn’t recall anything other than going home and screaming when they were finally alone and Liam was the one to comfort him. Liam. The man who was the one that was going to die. 

He was selfish to want Liam to stay around just for him and he remembered that part. 

But Liam said that he didn’t want to just give up life knowing he was going to die. They started chemo and Zayn watched the hair fall out but the spark stayed fully lit.

After the second round of treatments it was safe to say that it was hopeless to think that chemo was going to help. So Liam cut it off and they traveled the world one last time.

He would forever have that weary but bright smile etched in his mind, because as Liam’s body was shutting down his heart was dying as well.

_When you awaken in the morning’s hush_

_I am the swift uplifting brush_

_Of quiet birds circling in flight._

_I am the soft stars that shine at night._

They say cancer doesn’t just affect the person fighting it, it leeches into the people around them. That would be a true statement, at least for him.

He liked to say he stayed strong for Liam but sometimes he would just have to excuse himself and break down. He needed Liam, probably more than he ever let Liam know. Liam was the moon that circled him and he would be lost without that constant companionship. 

Their last trip was to the place where they had fallen in love.

They went on a road trip across the US, following the trek of that first tour with the sun on their backs and the wind in their faces. They stargazed and roasted marshmallows and while Liam usually only had very little food, he would finish it off for him.

They told each other stories of their favorite moments throughout their lives. The time that Niall had accidentally went into the ladies room and got beaten back by a granny with a handbag. Or the time that Liam had lost his swimming trunks in the waterpark and nearly caused a field day. Or the time that they first kissed and looked at each other with loving eyes.

“I’m going to miss this.” Liam whispered as his skinny body curled up against him.

“Yeah me too.” He whispered back he said with a wavering voice because they both knew that Liam didn’t have much time left. 

“I don’t want to die in a hospital.” Liam said after a while of comfortable silence. “I want to die in your arms okay?”

He nodded of course, but that didn’t exactly happen to plan.

Liam did die in a hospital but only because he was selfish.

He rushed Liam to the emergency room because he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t allow Liam to die in pain. So Liam died in his arms, yes, but he was pain free.

“Z.” Liam had called out weakly and reached out a little bit and he quickly rushed over as Liam shuffled to make room for him. Those brown eyes were weak and dim but there was still a spark in them. A spark that he desperately didn’t want to go out.

“I’m here.” He murmured against Liam’s temple and Liam closed his eyes and smiled softly. Liam pressed a piece of paper to his hand.

“To always remember okay? I love you Zayn Malik.” Liam said so weakly that he almost didn’t catch it.

“I love you too baby.” He said, his voice choked with tears that dripped down his nose on splashed on Liam’s neck. 

And then a flatline.

_Do not stand at my grave and cry;_

_I am not there. I did not die._

He saw Liam in all the little things now. Sure he had those polarioids littering their house but he had little glimpses of the boy he had fallen in love with.

The rainstorms that reminded him of the lazy days curled up by the fireplace.

The campfires that reminded him of the singing and the ghost stories and of course the snuggling.

The snow that reminded him of the laughter and the snowball fights that usually ended up rolling around and kissing.

The friends that he still had that he and Liam both had loved.

He kissed the paper that Liam had written in his final days and folded it, placing it back in his pocket. He looked back at the grave one last time but there was nothing there left for him.

Everything that he had loved was still living. 

In him and everything else.

**Author's Note:**

> aaand [tumblr](http://www.kathleenhasfeelsandwords.tumblr.com)


End file.
